Miracles.

Miracles.

I was never a believer of love. I’ve always looked at love as one of the greatest miracles in life. I’ve always believed it to be something that doesn’t really happen as often as people think it does. I mean, come to think of it, isn’t it just amazing that the person you like happens to like you as well? I’ve always seen it as something so rare that I’ve come to compare it to a miracle.

I have had my share of experiences that don’t really go the way I would have wanted it to. But that’s life. Things almost always don’t go the way you planned them to. But it’s when things fall into place at the right time that you get that sense of satisfaction that is incomparable. But still, I must have grown to fear the one thing that keeps this world from collapsing: LOVE. It is like a coin; it is one thing and yet it has two sides. It can motivate and inspire you so much that it can give you the strength and the faith that you’ll need to go on living life to the full. And yet it can be so crippling that it can keep you rooted on the ground, unable to move on and live.

Man is a social being. It is said that no man can live on his own because it is our relationship with other people that make us human. Is that why I fear being alone so much? I’ve grown so afraid of love and yet I have this fear of being alone as well. It’s scary to think that when the time comes that people will find their destinies, I will just be a part of crowd to admire and witness their miracle all by myself.

I thought about it as I was watching this Korean drama I’m currently hooked to now. It was a wedding scene. It dawned on me that another reason why I had that mentality is because I was afraid that should that miracle come my way, I am not so sure that my father will still be there to walk me down the aisle. Not that I am having nihilistic delusions, but no one knows for sure. There are just moments when time really becomes your enemy. And yet you have no chance to beat it because it’s so powerful that the moment a clock ticks for another second, it’s already time you can never take back. Though it may give you a chance to realize your mistake, it no longer gives you the chance to undo what has been.

I’ve been telling people that I maybe I was to answer God’s call, that maybe I had a calling. But then I realized that that was only me running away from all that fear.

I need some time off. I need to clear my mind and maybe find some peace. Because through that, I should also find myself. And when that time comes, I should already have to courage to face my fears head on and realize how irrational my fears have been. When that time comes, I should be able to wait patiently and look forward to my own miracle in life.