Miracles.

Miracles.

I was never a believer of love. I’ve always looked at love as one of the greatest miracles in life. I’ve always believed it to be something that doesn’t really happen as often as people think it does. I mean, come to think of it, isn’t it just amazing that the person you like happens to like you as well? I’ve always seen it as something so rare that I’ve come to compare it to a miracle.

I have had my share of experiences that don’t really go the way I would have wanted it to. But that’s life. Things almost always don’t go the way you planned them to. But it’s when things fall into place at the right time that you get that sense of satisfaction that is incomparable. But still, I must have grown to fear the one thing that keeps this world from collapsing: LOVE. It is like a coin; it is one thing and yet it has two sides. It can motivate and inspire you so much that it can give you the strength and the faith that you’ll need to go on living life to the full. And yet it can be so crippling that it can keep you rooted on the ground, unable to move on and live.

Man is a social being. It is said that no man can live on his own because it is our relationship with other people that make us human. Is that why I fear being alone so much? I’ve grown so afraid of love and yet I have this fear of being alone as well. It’s scary to think that when the time comes that people will find their destinies, I will just be a part of crowd to admire and witness their miracle all by myself.

I thought about it as I was watching this Korean drama I’m currently hooked to now. It was a wedding scene. It dawned on me that another reason why I had that mentality is because I was afraid that should that miracle come my way, I am not so sure that my father will still be there to walk me down the aisle. Not that I am having nihilistic delusions, but no one knows for sure. There are just moments when time really becomes your enemy. And yet you have no chance to beat it because it’s so powerful that the moment a clock ticks for another second, it’s already time you can never take back. Though it may give you a chance to realize your mistake, it no longer gives you the chance to undo what has been.

I’ve been telling people that I maybe I was to answer God’s call, that maybe I had a calling. But then I realized that that was only me running away from all that fear.

I need some time off. I need to clear my mind and maybe find some peace. Because through that, I should also find myself. And when that time comes, I should already have to courage to face my fears head on and realize how irrational my fears have been. When that time comes, I should be able to wait patiently and look forward to my own miracle in life.

Fragile.

Two weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about how amazing the human body is. The professor was talking about the body’s compensatory mechanisms for different conditions. And indeed, I do find the human body amazing for being able to do all of that.

But all of that changed when I went to Antipolo last Sunday to visit my grandmother and celebrate a few birthday parties at the same time. I entered my grandmother’s room and greeted her with a smile. As usual, I told her my name to help her remember who I was. And there she was, smiling back at me with a smile she would have given anyone who passed her way on the street. I was surprised. It was something I didn’t expect. To me, it looked like a smile without any recognition at all: a blank smile.

Dementia indeed is such a cruel disease. It not only takes a part of your memory but also takes a part of you altogether. It’s been years since my grandmother started showing symptoms, so it’s pretty obvious that she’s in such a late stage by now. And this disease doesn’t stop progressing until eventually…

But that smile, that smile she gave me, it was so painful to look at. It’s been ages since I last saw her and I had to see her like that: so helpless and so fragile. Then my thoughts shifted. I suddenly realized how the human body can be both ends of a spectrum: so strong and sturdy and yet so weak and fragile. Though it comes with age, it’s still scary to think that such a disease chooses no one.

I turned her to her sides every now and then just so I could check up on her. I tried to avoid looking at her face just so I won’t have to see that smile again. But I’m a nurse and I’ve been trained to look at my patients in their eyes. I saw that even her eyes have turned grey. And I can still remember how she used to smile with her eyes whenever she would come over our house and bring some food for dinner. She rarely grinned because she was always prim and proper. So she only smiled by curling her lips and then her eyes would do the grin for her. My mom got that from her.

It took me a lot of effort and courage to pull myself together before I managed to enter her room again to say goodbye. Again, I told her my name, and she gave me that smile. I held her hand in mine the way she used to hold mine when she fetched me from school when I was young. I didn’t want to let go but I know better. So I bent over and kissed her forehead, stoked her hair and did my best to give her the warmest smile I could give.

I never realized how painful silence can be. She didn’t say a thing. She remained on her bed, simply looking at everyone who came to her. And it was then that I realized that you don’t need to words to send the message. That sometimes, the greatest message of all is not uttered but unspoken.

Trust issues.

I had a nightmare last night. Actually, it was more of a flashback: a flashback from a memory I'd rather forget. I dreamt of that time when I realized who my true friends are; when I realized how few my true friends are.

It was a happy day. Everything was going smoothly. Or so I thought, until I said something that was interpreted in a wrong way. Things were said to me that not only hurt my feelings, but also made me feel degraded. I didn't think of myself as the kindest and sweetest person on earth but neither did I think that I was the worst. After that day, that changed. I felt so bad that I wanted the ground to open up and just swallow me whole.

I was actually surprised at how I handled myself during the confrontation. I was able to keep my composure and calmly asked her to voice out all her problems with me. I sat there and quietly heard what she had to say. When she was done, I slowly and calmly stood and went to the restroom where I let out all the emotions I managed to hold inside. It was hard. It was the first time that I felt how bad a person I am. I felt so down; I felt so low.

Add to that, I was surrounded with friends when the confrontation happened. I understand that they didn't want to interfere with our "moment" so they just kept their mouth shut. But after that, when I went out and cried my heart out, I sort of expected that someone would at least comfort be even for just a bit. But alas, no one came. I realized at that very moment that I must really be the worst kind because no one bothered to wipe the tears in my eyes. Words can't describe the disappointment I felt during that time. I felt that my trust was betrayed.

I have learned my lesson. It's hard to trust someone. They will just betray you and leave you at your lowest.

Sure, people asked me what was wrong, if I was ok. But it was obvious that they were only asking for the sake of gossip or for the sake of asking.

Eventually, I hyperventilated and fainted. People carried me to a chair and again, the people I expected to help me didn't move an inch. Some didn't even ask how I was. I actually couldn't care less if they carried me or if they asked how I was. But to make me feel their presence and their concern without any word being uttered would have meant a lot already.

But still, I am thankful for that day. That day made me realize who my true friends are. I've learned to filter my friends. I may not have friends that would fill up an entire classroom. But I am sure that those few that I have are true. And to those few true friends of mine, thank you because you didn't abandon me when everyone else did. You didn't have to ask me how I was; you didn't have to comfort me through all those tears. But you were there. And to me, that's what matters.

Time and Focus.

I always pass by the church before class because it was one way to assure myself that I'm starting my day right. Well, that was before I became a graduating student. Lately, I haven't been able to pass by the church before class and not even after. I keep blaming time but honestly, it's my own initiative that's to blame. No, I'm not fixated in that stage of pre-schoolers, but for some reason, whenever I realize that I should go to church and talk to God, something keeps holding me back. Even during those times when I am able to convince my feet to walk to the church, my mind is always racing and I just find it hard to organize my thoughts. I try to pray and talk to God, but I can't remove those troubling thoughts from entering my mind and disrupting me.

I actually feel bad that I can no longer maintain that habit. Of all my habits, going to church is probably the only one that's good. It's funny how I know what's wrong with the picture and yet I am not doing anything about it. Hm. That's even worse that not knowing the problem at all, huh?

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Ignorance.

We are standing face to face and yet we don't see eye to eye. I wonder what it is that I have to do for you to realize it...

But, come to think of it, am I in love with you, or with the idea of falling in love? I mean, I cling to you even if I'm not yet over him. So which one is it? I can't blame closure for being stuck because I think we did have closure. But now, I just want to spend time with you. It makes me happy even if we only have simple conversations over the silliest things under the sun. But I honestly can't pinpoint a reason for thinking this way. I would say your qualities, but they don't really matter. I would say your personality, but that doesn't really matter. I could say a dozen of reasons, but they're not exactly my reasons... Confused, much?

Nevertheless, I will just savor each moment that I have with you because those moments would probably be the only ones that I can have from you.

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Hey, you.

I brought this upon myself. Yet why is it that I'm so affected? It pains me to simply look at you. Questions keep popping in my head: what ifs, what could have beens, what should have beens, you get the picture. Damn. The thing is, I made the decision. I brought us to this situation. But it looks like you've been able to move forward and go on with your life. Why is it that I'm still standing on that moment when I lied to you, when I said that I no longer had those feelings. I was so confident at that time that I was going to get over it. Turns out I overestimated myself. Now, I'm still stuck in that moment, stagnated.

Thing is, I still have my pride. I won't go telling you that I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if I want that so bad, I won't let you know. I stand by my decision and I'll face the consequences of that decision. And when the day comes that have learned the value of acceptance, when I've learned to let go and move on, I will pass by your way with my chin high and my heartbeat steady. I won't have anything holding me back. By then, I won't have thoughts of you or of what we had stopping me. By then, those thoughts and memories will just be a part of my past, something I can easily forget, or at least casually talk about.

Until that day comes... Until that day comes...

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Overused excuse.

I know people say that you should live each day as if it were your last. Meaning, no regrets. And you should spend time with your loved ones while you still can. But still, that doesn't give you the right to forget your responsibilities and just have pure fun or for this matter, satisfy your heart's desire.

Maybe I'm just feeling bad because I'm directly affected since she's a groupmate. But still, we can't keep on letting it pass just because she won't be with us sooner or later. It's quite difficult to adjust at times when you are caught unprepared and the situation just slaps you in the face.

Argh! I'm so pissed. :\

No man is an island.

I have a classmate who was sort of like my best friend during my second year of college. Sadly, when someone sort of courted her, we drifted apart. Things have never been the same since then. I don't blame her, though. But she can't blame me either.

This year, for some reason, I felt that something changed about her. At first she just became grade conscious. And that was partly because of her suitor, too. That, I didn't mind much coz that also did her good, too. But second sem of this year, I have no idea what happened. She really became distant. Or maybe I did. :\ She and another groupmate became close, too. So that kind of left me hanging. But, anyway, I didn't like the idea but neither did I like forcing myself to them. So I just went over to my other groupmates whenever they'd have a conversation that's "for their ears only."

I have always been a pessimist and I easily get depressed. Maybe that's why I value my friends so much. I'm the type of person who needs a stable support group in order to survive. No, it's not the kind where I need your advice on what I should do and all. (well maybe sometimes.) Rather, what I really need is just someone to talk me through it. My mind can really be unstable at times and I just can't think straight. Actually, sometimes, the mere presence of a friend already helps a lot. No words need to be said.

Anyway, I confronted this friend about how I felt irritated about her change of attitude. But I also said sorry because it may have been my fault because I became so negative, sad and suicidal. That's probably the reason why I became like that: because I no longer had a support system. but anyway, they probably had better things to do than to talk to a depressed and suicidal person... So anyway, she told me that she really did change. Well that was a relief. At least I didn't have to explain what it was that I saw. So there, she told me that started to distance herself from people because she's heavily burdened. she told me that she's the type who deals with her problems by herself. So she just became withdrawn and only talked to people when she was manic and happy. Well, that didn't quite make me happy.

She also told me that she knew that I had a problem then. But she wanted me to fight, fight, fight and do things on my own. So, that's like throwing a baby into a swimming pool and leaving them there to learn how to swim. Hmm.

Sure, tell me that I'm too dependent on my friends. But I honestly believe that no man is an island. I mean, you can't do things all on your own, right? Because what will that make your friends? People who are only with you through the happy times because you're on your own when you're problematic?

I mean, really. *sigh*

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Quality Time.

We all have our own definition of quality time. We can have them with family, with friends and with significant others. As for me, today was a very long and tiring day, but at the end of this day, I realized that it had been very fruitful and fun.

I was supposed to be in school by 7a. Lo and behold, I didn't wake up. Actually, I did, but I kept on pressing the snooze button until I eventually pressed off. Voila, I got up at 9a. Haha. I took a bath, fixed myself and went on to school. Madam and I were going to clean the org rm because it has been a mess since... ever. I got there around 10.30a. The fx was as fast as a turtle. :\ It kept stopping to wait for passengers, just when I was in a hurry to get to school. Haha. When I arrived in the Org Rm, the meeting wasn't finished and they were staying in our cubicle. I waited outside, next to aircon. But I had this urge for caffeine. So I headed to Starbucks for a frappe.

Topnotcher was sick, but he went down so we could talk. Madam said that we were going to start soon. I was almost done with my frappe but I got into our conversation and lost track of the time. In fairness, I really had fun talking to him because we were able to talk about serious stuff in a funny way. Haha. Unique. I also felt that I got to know him a little better. He is a new found friend, after all.

Madam was already cleaning up when I returned and she said that she was about to eat lunch. So we decided to fix one shelf then head out to eat. I was glad to have that chance to bond with her again. I mean, third year passed by so fast that all of us barely had time for our friends, even ourselves.

We went to the OR to submit our pref cards and then went back to the org rm to do some revisions. We cleaned up a bit, then went back to the OR to submit our pref cards again. It was five pm then so Kabuts and I decided to take the LRT home.

Nothing much to say about our trip home because he was really sleepy then. We talked but he was asleep most of the time.

I know that this may not be your definition of quality time. But for me, as long as I spend time with my friends, I make sure that they have meaning. :)

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Fireworks

As each graduate stepped on stage for their own moment

I was on my phone, making sure each message is sent

I've lost count on how many I've sent to you

But they don't matter 'coz that's what I want to do.

The ceremony dragged but I enjoyed each second of it

'coz I felt myself becoming close to you bit by bit

Though we were apart, you at home, and I was here

The way we talked made me think you're so near.

The fireworks began and I told you of its beauty

Telling me you were looking, too, truly made me happy

Because though we weren't here side by side

We were still looking up at the same sky.

Living the moment.

It's funny how time flies when you're having fun. But it wasn't quite like that during my third year. Sure, time did fly by sooo fast. To the point that I feel like I lived through third year too fast that I wasn't able to feel every minute of it that much.

There were always plenty of things to do at home and in school. In school we had hours of lecture classes, dozens of quizzes a day, loads of requirements per subject, I can go on and on. The moment I get home, I eat, do homework, attempt to study but end up sleeping anyway.

I was always freakin' tired and pissed. And that prevented me from savoring the experience of being a third year student.

Now, I try to live life to the full. Am seriously trying to be optimistic and all. Fail. Rather, failing. But still trying. I was never the type who lives for my future. I was never the type who thinks ahead too much. I've always wanted to live the moment, because that moment in the present will dictate your future anyway.

Insecurities.

Mama almost always compares me to my sisters. But I've gotten used to that already. Try experiencing that your whole life... Thing is, even though you've gotten used to it, it still hurts because it makes you feel so worthless. After all the efforts you've shown, after doing everything they tell you, they're still not satisfied. Sure my eldest sister was once a part of the honors class and my elder sister graduated cum laude and grabbed 8th place in the board exams. But did they have to really shove it in my face? Sometimes, I want to just give up and let things pass because they wouldn't really appreciate my efforts anyway. But I want to show them that I'm better than that. That in spite of everything they're making me go through, I'm still a picture of magnificence. I stand up after I fall down. Yeah, who said it was easy? :\

I've always felt insecure about my cousins. One was a valedictorian, and one's a consistent dean's lister. My mom (yet again) always talked about how this valedictorian cousin of mine just spent the whole day studying. I know where she's getting at: that I should do the same. But, I don't think I'll be able to do that. EVER. I mean, I'd go insane. C'mon, she's already made me take up a course I don't like and now she's asking me to sacrifice my social life? Mehn, I'm trying to be the obedient daughter that I should be but I think that's too far. :\ I know I'm not the smartest person alive and I should really study in order to get high grades. But changing my study habits in that manner is just.... ACK.

I've always felt insecure about my classmates. Especially this ONE classmate who seems to have everything. Emphasis on the seems. I mean, she's pretty, smart, everyone likes her (and I mean LIKES her), you get what I mean. But still, I've always thought of it as unfair. She has her issues. We all do.

I even feel insecure about my figure, dammit. But that isn't really important, right?

I should really learn to overcome all over these. :\ I mean, no one can make me feel inferior without my permission. But I think I have inferiority complex... Rather, schizophrenia. :)) There was once a time when I couldn't sleep because "I was fighting with my own mind." I always found that definition of shiz as weird. Then came that night, I understood it fully.

I think I need to go on a retreat. I should find some inner peace. :(

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Issues.

I know I've been saying that I graduated from the depressed mood I've been experiencing for months. Still, it doesn't prevent the issues from coming, does it? I don't know why but I seem to be a person with soooo many issues in life.

My dad talked to me this afternoon, while I was reading a book in the garden. He told me that he's scared of his condition. I continued to look at the book but I was listening to him. That's a common thing in our house, pretending you don't listen or pay attention when you actually are.

So anyway, I asked him, "why? Your meds are no longer working?" I had his diabetes in mind.

He answered, "no. because I know I can't stop it." This made me look at him.

"Huh?"

Then he began to reminisce. "Your sister told me many years ago that she thinks I have Alzheimer's." I put my bookmark in place because I knew that he won't be stopping anytime soon.

"And?" I asked him.

He answered, "I didn't understand her then because I still had a good memory and I read a lot."

"So what changed?"

"I've been awfully forgetful lately. To the point that it's disturbing."

I was silent for a few seconds. It's true that he has been forgetful lately and we all just joked about it, saying he's old and all. Well, he is. But I remembered what we studied in Psych (no, my father's not a Psych patient) that when it starts disrupting your activities if daily living, that's when it becomes a condition. I didn't answer.

"when the time comes that I become a burden, don't think twice." he continued.

"think twice about?"

"Just discuss with your sisters. I don't want to be sent to a home for the aged... Just give me sleeping pills."

"What?" I was seriously surprised.

"Yeah, to get things over with. I don't want to reach that point, to tell you the truth."

"The hell. I'm a nurse (student, that is) and you expect me to give you meds that will kill you? Now that's weird." I tried to sound like I was joking. But I really wasn't.

He didn't answer. He just smiled weakly. We became silent for a few minutes and I got my book again. I didn't show it, but tears actually welled up in my eyes. For the first time in a long, long time, I felt sorry for him.

I've always had issues with my Dad. Actually, I have issues with my family all the time. But with him, it's quite different. Sure, my Mom made me take a course in College that wasn't exactly my choice. But with my Dad, it's different. I was always his favorite. But great expectations came with that. It's honestly very hard to be the daughter of a jack of all traits kind of person. Coz he expects you to be the same. But anyway, I'd better not say what it was that he did that still makes it so hard for me to truly forgive. Not just him. Forgive in general. I've lost count as to how many times I've gone to confession for this. Each and every time, the priest makes me cry because I know that it's wrong. I just don't know why I can't do it. Tut tut...

Oh, this is quite a serious topic... Hum hum...

later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Ordinary day.

Nothing much happened today... Just spent the whole day sitting on the computer chair playing Diablo II. You'll be surprised at how fast time flies when you're playing that game. Oh, and you'll also be surprised at how fast your life meter goes down and then next thing you know, you're dead and you need to start all over again. Haha. Happened to me dozens of times. :p

I actually miss playing that game. Last time I played it was... lemme think... either Christmas '08 or summer of last year. Hmm. Long time ago. :)) This school year was really busy and hectic so I barely had time to play games even though I was always on the computer for theses, projects, reports, NCPs, histories, Case Pres, pref cards, hmmm. I could go on and on and on. :))

Short entry, I know. But at least I wrote something about today. Even though it was just like any other day. :)


Later days,
~coffeandmusiclover~

What to do this summer?

Hm. I really shouldn't be asking this question because I have summer duty. Yes, being a student nurse has its ups and downs. But that's life so you just have to go on with it. (am I really saying this)

But anyway, I gained a lot of weight since the schoolyear started and I blame all the stress that comes with being a junior in my college. Yeah, having to go through Sociology and Literature in the same year, ack. Not that good. Add to that, I'm a stress eater. Hence, I gain weight every time I am stressed! Haha. Sooo, when was I not stressed this year? Hahaha. :))

So this morning, I decided that I will finally start doing something about it. I searched through my stuff for the dvd of the exercise video my sisters and I used to follow in order to get back into shape. When I found it, the weights were missing. So I had to look for those, too. But I found them, too, after turning the stockroom inside out. Haha. I was finally able to start at around 4pm.

The exercise video is really good. I mean, it's something like an idiot's guide to exercising. Well said instructions, arrows on where the "stress" should be, and music that's easy to dance to. Thing is, it's also soooo good that you really feel that you're working out. Dammit. I felt every inch of me was in pain. Haha. My heartrate was up to 120 when I finished the WARM UPS. The hell. :)) Oh but it doesn't end there. There's this cardio part where you have to jog in place while jumping and doing jacks and flexing your biceps and doing delts. Aw mehn. I lost count on how many times I said, "you have got to be kidding me," desperately gasping for air and begging for water. Oh, that's NOT an overstatement, I tell you. :))

There's also this part where it's purely abwork. You are to lie supine on the ground and do some crunches and some leg lifts whatever. You should have seen me when there were only about five minutes remaining. I was just lying there, looking like I was dead and staring blankly into space. I wasn't able to do the final stretches because my body was aching all over! :)) Haha. Gosh. I'm sooooo not fit. :))

I bet I'll be forcing down a lot of painkillers tomorrow. Haha. Although, if the pain will really be that intense, I bet I don't need to force myself, right? Haha.

I can't believe it, I actually wrote what happened to me today! Ha! I can see it already: Imma maintain this blog! I will, I will! XD

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Epiphany...

I used to use my Multiply account's blog as an outlet. When Facebook came, I apparently lost track of my Multiply account. Yesterday, I finally had the time to visit it again and I realized that I used to write really detailed blog entries about what happened that day, or what I was feeling at that very moment. That was a long, long time ago... more than a year, I think. And I realized that back then, I wasn't as negative as I am now. Maybe having this kind of outlet does make a difference. I miss writing. Maybe this coming schoolyear, I will have more time to write. Hopefully. :)

The disadvantage of not having an older brother

The thing about not having an older brother is that when you meet someone, you have this tendency to cling to the person. (or is it just me?) I mean, I have classmates who I cling to like a little sister... Thing is, sometimes, you can't differentiate it with "liking" the person. Hum hum. Or, again, is it just me?