Trust issues.

I had a nightmare last night. Actually, it was more of a flashback: a flashback from a memory I'd rather forget. I dreamt of that time when I realized who my true friends are; when I realized how few my true friends are.

It was a happy day. Everything was going smoothly. Or so I thought, until I said something that was interpreted in a wrong way. Things were said to me that not only hurt my feelings, but also made me feel degraded. I didn't think of myself as the kindest and sweetest person on earth but neither did I think that I was the worst. After that day, that changed. I felt so bad that I wanted the ground to open up and just swallow me whole.

I was actually surprised at how I handled myself during the confrontation. I was able to keep my composure and calmly asked her to voice out all her problems with me. I sat there and quietly heard what she had to say. When she was done, I slowly and calmly stood and went to the restroom where I let out all the emotions I managed to hold inside. It was hard. It was the first time that I felt how bad a person I am. I felt so down; I felt so low.

Add to that, I was surrounded with friends when the confrontation happened. I understand that they didn't want to interfere with our "moment" so they just kept their mouth shut. But after that, when I went out and cried my heart out, I sort of expected that someone would at least comfort be even for just a bit. But alas, no one came. I realized at that very moment that I must really be the worst kind because no one bothered to wipe the tears in my eyes. Words can't describe the disappointment I felt during that time. I felt that my trust was betrayed.

I have learned my lesson. It's hard to trust someone. They will just betray you and leave you at your lowest.

Sure, people asked me what was wrong, if I was ok. But it was obvious that they were only asking for the sake of gossip or for the sake of asking.

Eventually, I hyperventilated and fainted. People carried me to a chair and again, the people I expected to help me didn't move an inch. Some didn't even ask how I was. I actually couldn't care less if they carried me or if they asked how I was. But to make me feel their presence and their concern without any word being uttered would have meant a lot already.

But still, I am thankful for that day. That day made me realize who my true friends are. I've learned to filter my friends. I may not have friends that would fill up an entire classroom. But I am sure that those few that I have are true. And to those few true friends of mine, thank you because you didn't abandon me when everyone else did. You didn't have to ask me how I was; you didn't have to comfort me through all those tears. But you were there. And to me, that's what matters.