Work.

Sure, I passed the boards, I got my license last September and I took my oath last Monday, but why is it that I still feel a thorn on my throat? Maybe it's that sense of responsibility that keeps haunting me.

I got a job recently. But it's only for 2months so it's somewhat part time. But at least I get a few bucks in my bank account to help in my training in the near future. I actually heard that the Department of Health issued a memo that hospitals shouldn't train nurses anymore. But I'm not sure if that meant that if hospitals should just go on and hire nurses or if any form of training should just be removed altogether. If it's the former then that would be good in a sense that when they get you, you're hired. Though that can also mean that it would be hard to get in 'coz of course, a hospital can only hold so much nurses. But if it's the latter, it'll be a bomb on all of us unemployed nurses right now. There are hospitals who require their applicants to have experience first, so if the training program is removed, what would happen?

But anyway, I'm taking it one step at a time. Although I've come to realize that it's not such a good thing to not have a plan for yourself. I mean, of course I have a plan because there are some things that I want to achieve in life, too. But the way that everything is unsure regarding the future of professional nurses, it's quite hard to have a fixed mindset on how things should be. I just don't know why I am finding it hard to even make a tentative plan for myself. Haha. All I have is something like I plan to earn, train and work. Haha. Hay. I should seriously start planning about my future, huh?

Am actually here at work, rushing and cramming the deadlines. Hahaha.

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Hey hey hey, are you okay?

When I was studying for the boards, I was a zombie. I'd sleep at 6am and I'd wake up at 3pm. It was really hard to break that habit. But then, last week, I had to seriously do something about it. I was going to have my BLS and SFAT training so I had to sleep early in order to wake up early. So last Saturday night (meaning Sunday morning, around 6.30am), I decided not to sleep. That way, I'd be knocked out by Sunday night. To my surprise, it worked! Haha. But my mind was somewhere else for the entire Sunday! Haha. I barely remember that day, honestly. :p

So anyway, Monday came and I was on my way to Red Cross for the training. The day actually started out really bad. I went to the Port Area branch, their main branch, because when I inquired via phone, they told me to go to that branch. To my dismay, they don't hold training seminars at their HQ, hence, I had to go to Intramuros, the Manila Chapter office. It was a good thing that I was going to train with Mara. It would've been so hard without her because there were a couple of people from FEU who knew each other. We also bumped into Chiqui and Charice. It was really comforting to see some familiar faces again, especially because of the tension of the results (which are due next week!) Monday was all about Basic Life Support and since it's the first day, it was just lecture. Of course, the Red Cross Training Program was made in a way that it's understandable for lay people. We even had three classmates who weren't in the health care area. So everything was easy to follow and comprehend.

Tuesday, it was still about BLS but it was exam day. The exam was pretty hard. Mara and I were not confident in any of our answers in the multiple choice part and the enumeration part was a killer. Haha. But it went well. Our names even got called for having good grades. :) But the practical test was just nerve-wracking! (is that the right term?) We had to do CPR for an adult, a child and an infant! The child and the adult were similar but the infant was a bit hard! Everything had a reason and you had to give the rationale all the time! But the baby dolls were so cute because the chest really rises every time you give a rescue breath. In fact, they check if you really are able to make the chest rise. Haha. So anyway, I was able to finish early because I was one of the few who were called first. Mara had a different situation, though. She was one of the last two to take the practical exam. Hehe.

Wednesday was all about First Aid. Again, the discussion was easy to follow. They would even give mnemonics for all the management for every condition. The problem was that, since there were so many conditions, it was hard to memorize all of the mnemonics because they'd get jumbled up in your head. Haha. But it was fun. :) I mean, it's really close to what they teach us in school. But it's nice to study the first aid treatments and not just the medications for the conditions. So it really felt something like a nursing action because the doctor was only there for referral after you do all your first aid treatments.

Thursday was really fun. We discussed about bandaging and rescue & transfer! It was hard but it was really cool and fun! Haha. Especially in the rescue and transfer part because Sir Fritz really demonstrated each of the techniques. And it was really funny. Add to that, the victim always comes from us. Hahaha. :p We all had a good laugh because of it. My favorite demonstration would have to be the FIREMAN'S DRAG. :p Hahaha. I'm afraid only my classmates would understant why. Hehehe. :p

Friday was the exam for bandaging and rescue & transfer. Bandaging was hard! We had to move really fast! In 30ecs, you must read the situation, analyze your victim's injuries, fold your bandage properly and apply the bandage correctly. But they were, of course, very considerate since we weren't that used to all of it just yet. In the exam for rescue and transfer, we were supposed to rescue and transfer the victim according to the method that the instructor would say, taking into consideration the wounds and injuries that the victim has. They were EXTRA considerate in this part, especially in my case because of my back problem. Haha. I'm really thankful for that. :) For the final event, it was intense! Wild! But fun! Even though there was "blood" splattering everywhere! Hehe. :p

Aw, I miss them all already. :( Ma'am Jaime said that our class was really bonded, despite the size. We were quite a big group and yet we still managed to bond as a class. We were all happy to hear that. :)

I also miss the small canteen where Mara and I would eat for lunch. It was really cheap there and the food was okay. The owner is so hospitable that when he said last Friday, "balik ulit kayo ah?" Mara and I looked at each other and just smiled. We felt bad because it was our last day and it was unlikely that we'd ever have to eat there again.

I also miss the instructors! They were really great. Especially Sir Fritz! When I become an instructor someday, I wanna be just like him! haha. I'm actually thinking if I want to be a volunteer there. :)

I hope that when I get my certificate two weeks from now, I'd see the proof that I passed the training. It would be nice to say "I'm a TRAINED first aid provider, can I help?" :)

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Miracles.

Miracles.

I was never a believer of love. I’ve always looked at love as one of the greatest miracles in life. I’ve always believed it to be something that doesn’t really happen as often as people think it does. I mean, come to think of it, isn’t it just amazing that the person you like happens to like you as well? I’ve always seen it as something so rare that I’ve come to compare it to a miracle.

I have had my share of experiences that don’t really go the way I would have wanted it to. But that’s life. Things almost always don’t go the way you planned them to. But it’s when things fall into place at the right time that you get that sense of satisfaction that is incomparable. But still, I must have grown to fear the one thing that keeps this world from collapsing: LOVE. It is like a coin; it is one thing and yet it has two sides. It can motivate and inspire you so much that it can give you the strength and the faith that you’ll need to go on living life to the full. And yet it can be so crippling that it can keep you rooted on the ground, unable to move on and live.

Man is a social being. It is said that no man can live on his own because it is our relationship with other people that make us human. Is that why I fear being alone so much? I’ve grown so afraid of love and yet I have this fear of being alone as well. It’s scary to think that when the time comes that people will find their destinies, I will just be a part of crowd to admire and witness their miracle all by myself.

I thought about it as I was watching this Korean drama I’m currently hooked to now. It was a wedding scene. It dawned on me that another reason why I had that mentality is because I was afraid that should that miracle come my way, I am not so sure that my father will still be there to walk me down the aisle. Not that I am having nihilistic delusions, but no one knows for sure. There are just moments when time really becomes your enemy. And yet you have no chance to beat it because it’s so powerful that the moment a clock ticks for another second, it’s already time you can never take back. Though it may give you a chance to realize your mistake, it no longer gives you the chance to undo what has been.

I’ve been telling people that I maybe I was to answer God’s call, that maybe I had a calling. But then I realized that that was only me running away from all that fear.

I need some time off. I need to clear my mind and maybe find some peace. Because through that, I should also find myself. And when that time comes, I should already have to courage to face my fears head on and realize how irrational my fears have been. When that time comes, I should be able to wait patiently and look forward to my own miracle in life.

Fragile.

Two weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about how amazing the human body is. The professor was talking about the body’s compensatory mechanisms for different conditions. And indeed, I do find the human body amazing for being able to do all of that.

But all of that changed when I went to Antipolo last Sunday to visit my grandmother and celebrate a few birthday parties at the same time. I entered my grandmother’s room and greeted her with a smile. As usual, I told her my name to help her remember who I was. And there she was, smiling back at me with a smile she would have given anyone who passed her way on the street. I was surprised. It was something I didn’t expect. To me, it looked like a smile without any recognition at all: a blank smile.

Dementia indeed is such a cruel disease. It not only takes a part of your memory but also takes a part of you altogether. It’s been years since my grandmother started showing symptoms, so it’s pretty obvious that she’s in such a late stage by now. And this disease doesn’t stop progressing until eventually…

But that smile, that smile she gave me, it was so painful to look at. It’s been ages since I last saw her and I had to see her like that: so helpless and so fragile. Then my thoughts shifted. I suddenly realized how the human body can be both ends of a spectrum: so strong and sturdy and yet so weak and fragile. Though it comes with age, it’s still scary to think that such a disease chooses no one.

I turned her to her sides every now and then just so I could check up on her. I tried to avoid looking at her face just so I won’t have to see that smile again. But I’m a nurse and I’ve been trained to look at my patients in their eyes. I saw that even her eyes have turned grey. And I can still remember how she used to smile with her eyes whenever she would come over our house and bring some food for dinner. She rarely grinned because she was always prim and proper. So she only smiled by curling her lips and then her eyes would do the grin for her. My mom got that from her.

It took me a lot of effort and courage to pull myself together before I managed to enter her room again to say goodbye. Again, I told her my name, and she gave me that smile. I held her hand in mine the way she used to hold mine when she fetched me from school when I was young. I didn’t want to let go but I know better. So I bent over and kissed her forehead, stoked her hair and did my best to give her the warmest smile I could give.

I never realized how painful silence can be. She didn’t say a thing. She remained on her bed, simply looking at everyone who came to her. And it was then that I realized that you don’t need to words to send the message. That sometimes, the greatest message of all is not uttered but unspoken.

Trust issues.

I had a nightmare last night. Actually, it was more of a flashback: a flashback from a memory I'd rather forget. I dreamt of that time when I realized who my true friends are; when I realized how few my true friends are.

It was a happy day. Everything was going smoothly. Or so I thought, until I said something that was interpreted in a wrong way. Things were said to me that not only hurt my feelings, but also made me feel degraded. I didn't think of myself as the kindest and sweetest person on earth but neither did I think that I was the worst. After that day, that changed. I felt so bad that I wanted the ground to open up and just swallow me whole.

I was actually surprised at how I handled myself during the confrontation. I was able to keep my composure and calmly asked her to voice out all her problems with me. I sat there and quietly heard what she had to say. When she was done, I slowly and calmly stood and went to the restroom where I let out all the emotions I managed to hold inside. It was hard. It was the first time that I felt how bad a person I am. I felt so down; I felt so low.

Add to that, I was surrounded with friends when the confrontation happened. I understand that they didn't want to interfere with our "moment" so they just kept their mouth shut. But after that, when I went out and cried my heart out, I sort of expected that someone would at least comfort be even for just a bit. But alas, no one came. I realized at that very moment that I must really be the worst kind because no one bothered to wipe the tears in my eyes. Words can't describe the disappointment I felt during that time. I felt that my trust was betrayed.

I have learned my lesson. It's hard to trust someone. They will just betray you and leave you at your lowest.

Sure, people asked me what was wrong, if I was ok. But it was obvious that they were only asking for the sake of gossip or for the sake of asking.

Eventually, I hyperventilated and fainted. People carried me to a chair and again, the people I expected to help me didn't move an inch. Some didn't even ask how I was. I actually couldn't care less if they carried me or if they asked how I was. But to make me feel their presence and their concern without any word being uttered would have meant a lot already.

But still, I am thankful for that day. That day made me realize who my true friends are. I've learned to filter my friends. I may not have friends that would fill up an entire classroom. But I am sure that those few that I have are true. And to those few true friends of mine, thank you because you didn't abandon me when everyone else did. You didn't have to ask me how I was; you didn't have to comfort me through all those tears. But you were there. And to me, that's what matters.

Time and Focus.

I always pass by the church before class because it was one way to assure myself that I'm starting my day right. Well, that was before I became a graduating student. Lately, I haven't been able to pass by the church before class and not even after. I keep blaming time but honestly, it's my own initiative that's to blame. No, I'm not fixated in that stage of pre-schoolers, but for some reason, whenever I realize that I should go to church and talk to God, something keeps holding me back. Even during those times when I am able to convince my feet to walk to the church, my mind is always racing and I just find it hard to organize my thoughts. I try to pray and talk to God, but I can't remove those troubling thoughts from entering my mind and disrupting me.

I actually feel bad that I can no longer maintain that habit. Of all my habits, going to church is probably the only one that's good. It's funny how I know what's wrong with the picture and yet I am not doing anything about it. Hm. That's even worse that not knowing the problem at all, huh?

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Ignorance.

We are standing face to face and yet we don't see eye to eye. I wonder what it is that I have to do for you to realize it...

But, come to think of it, am I in love with you, or with the idea of falling in love? I mean, I cling to you even if I'm not yet over him. So which one is it? I can't blame closure for being stuck because I think we did have closure. But now, I just want to spend time with you. It makes me happy even if we only have simple conversations over the silliest things under the sun. But I honestly can't pinpoint a reason for thinking this way. I would say your qualities, but they don't really matter. I would say your personality, but that doesn't really matter. I could say a dozen of reasons, but they're not exactly my reasons... Confused, much?

Nevertheless, I will just savor each moment that I have with you because those moments would probably be the only ones that I can have from you.

~coffeeandmusiclover~