Trust issues.

I had a nightmare last night. Actually, it was more of a flashback: a flashback from a memory I'd rather forget. I dreamt of that time when I realized who my true friends are; when I realized how few my true friends are.

It was a happy day. Everything was going smoothly. Or so I thought, until I said something that was interpreted in a wrong way. Things were said to me that not only hurt my feelings, but also made me feel degraded. I didn't think of myself as the kindest and sweetest person on earth but neither did I think that I was the worst. After that day, that changed. I felt so bad that I wanted the ground to open up and just swallow me whole.

I was actually surprised at how I handled myself during the confrontation. I was able to keep my composure and calmly asked her to voice out all her problems with me. I sat there and quietly heard what she had to say. When she was done, I slowly and calmly stood and went to the restroom where I let out all the emotions I managed to hold inside. It was hard. It was the first time that I felt how bad a person I am. I felt so down; I felt so low.

Add to that, I was surrounded with friends when the confrontation happened. I understand that they didn't want to interfere with our "moment" so they just kept their mouth shut. But after that, when I went out and cried my heart out, I sort of expected that someone would at least comfort be even for just a bit. But alas, no one came. I realized at that very moment that I must really be the worst kind because no one bothered to wipe the tears in my eyes. Words can't describe the disappointment I felt during that time. I felt that my trust was betrayed.

I have learned my lesson. It's hard to trust someone. They will just betray you and leave you at your lowest.

Sure, people asked me what was wrong, if I was ok. But it was obvious that they were only asking for the sake of gossip or for the sake of asking.

Eventually, I hyperventilated and fainted. People carried me to a chair and again, the people I expected to help me didn't move an inch. Some didn't even ask how I was. I actually couldn't care less if they carried me or if they asked how I was. But to make me feel their presence and their concern without any word being uttered would have meant a lot already.

But still, I am thankful for that day. That day made me realize who my true friends are. I've learned to filter my friends. I may not have friends that would fill up an entire classroom. But I am sure that those few that I have are true. And to those few true friends of mine, thank you because you didn't abandon me when everyone else did. You didn't have to ask me how I was; you didn't have to comfort me through all those tears. But you were there. And to me, that's what matters.

Time and Focus.

I always pass by the church before class because it was one way to assure myself that I'm starting my day right. Well, that was before I became a graduating student. Lately, I haven't been able to pass by the church before class and not even after. I keep blaming time but honestly, it's my own initiative that's to blame. No, I'm not fixated in that stage of pre-schoolers, but for some reason, whenever I realize that I should go to church and talk to God, something keeps holding me back. Even during those times when I am able to convince my feet to walk to the church, my mind is always racing and I just find it hard to organize my thoughts. I try to pray and talk to God, but I can't remove those troubling thoughts from entering my mind and disrupting me.

I actually feel bad that I can no longer maintain that habit. Of all my habits, going to church is probably the only one that's good. It's funny how I know what's wrong with the picture and yet I am not doing anything about it. Hm. That's even worse that not knowing the problem at all, huh?

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Ignorance.

We are standing face to face and yet we don't see eye to eye. I wonder what it is that I have to do for you to realize it...

But, come to think of it, am I in love with you, or with the idea of falling in love? I mean, I cling to you even if I'm not yet over him. So which one is it? I can't blame closure for being stuck because I think we did have closure. But now, I just want to spend time with you. It makes me happy even if we only have simple conversations over the silliest things under the sun. But I honestly can't pinpoint a reason for thinking this way. I would say your qualities, but they don't really matter. I would say your personality, but that doesn't really matter. I could say a dozen of reasons, but they're not exactly my reasons... Confused, much?

Nevertheless, I will just savor each moment that I have with you because those moments would probably be the only ones that I can have from you.

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Hey, you.

I brought this upon myself. Yet why is it that I'm so affected? It pains me to simply look at you. Questions keep popping in my head: what ifs, what could have beens, what should have beens, you get the picture. Damn. The thing is, I made the decision. I brought us to this situation. But it looks like you've been able to move forward and go on with your life. Why is it that I'm still standing on that moment when I lied to you, when I said that I no longer had those feelings. I was so confident at that time that I was going to get over it. Turns out I overestimated myself. Now, I'm still stuck in that moment, stagnated.

Thing is, I still have my pride. I won't go telling you that I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if I want that so bad, I won't let you know. I stand by my decision and I'll face the consequences of that decision. And when the day comes that have learned the value of acceptance, when I've learned to let go and move on, I will pass by your way with my chin high and my heartbeat steady. I won't have anything holding me back. By then, I won't have thoughts of you or of what we had stopping me. By then, those thoughts and memories will just be a part of my past, something I can easily forget, or at least casually talk about.

Until that day comes... Until that day comes...

~coffeeandmusiclover~

Overused excuse.

I know people say that you should live each day as if it were your last. Meaning, no regrets. And you should spend time with your loved ones while you still can. But still, that doesn't give you the right to forget your responsibilities and just have pure fun or for this matter, satisfy your heart's desire.

Maybe I'm just feeling bad because I'm directly affected since she's a groupmate. But still, we can't keep on letting it pass just because she won't be with us sooner or later. It's quite difficult to adjust at times when you are caught unprepared and the situation just slaps you in the face.

Argh! I'm so pissed. :\