Issues.

I know I've been saying that I graduated from the depressed mood I've been experiencing for months. Still, it doesn't prevent the issues from coming, does it? I don't know why but I seem to be a person with soooo many issues in life.

My dad talked to me this afternoon, while I was reading a book in the garden. He told me that he's scared of his condition. I continued to look at the book but I was listening to him. That's a common thing in our house, pretending you don't listen or pay attention when you actually are.

So anyway, I asked him, "why? Your meds are no longer working?" I had his diabetes in mind.

He answered, "no. because I know I can't stop it." This made me look at him.

"Huh?"

Then he began to reminisce. "Your sister told me many years ago that she thinks I have Alzheimer's." I put my bookmark in place because I knew that he won't be stopping anytime soon.

"And?" I asked him.

He answered, "I didn't understand her then because I still had a good memory and I read a lot."

"So what changed?"

"I've been awfully forgetful lately. To the point that it's disturbing."

I was silent for a few seconds. It's true that he has been forgetful lately and we all just joked about it, saying he's old and all. Well, he is. But I remembered what we studied in Psych (no, my father's not a Psych patient) that when it starts disrupting your activities if daily living, that's when it becomes a condition. I didn't answer.

"when the time comes that I become a burden, don't think twice." he continued.

"think twice about?"

"Just discuss with your sisters. I don't want to be sent to a home for the aged... Just give me sleeping pills."

"What?" I was seriously surprised.

"Yeah, to get things over with. I don't want to reach that point, to tell you the truth."

"The hell. I'm a nurse (student, that is) and you expect me to give you meds that will kill you? Now that's weird." I tried to sound like I was joking. But I really wasn't.

He didn't answer. He just smiled weakly. We became silent for a few minutes and I got my book again. I didn't show it, but tears actually welled up in my eyes. For the first time in a long, long time, I felt sorry for him.

I've always had issues with my Dad. Actually, I have issues with my family all the time. But with him, it's quite different. Sure, my Mom made me take a course in College that wasn't exactly my choice. But with my Dad, it's different. I was always his favorite. But great expectations came with that. It's honestly very hard to be the daughter of a jack of all traits kind of person. Coz he expects you to be the same. But anyway, I'd better not say what it was that he did that still makes it so hard for me to truly forgive. Not just him. Forgive in general. I've lost count as to how many times I've gone to confession for this. Each and every time, the priest makes me cry because I know that it's wrong. I just don't know why I can't do it. Tut tut...

Oh, this is quite a serious topic... Hum hum...

later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~