Insecurities.

Mama almost always compares me to my sisters. But I've gotten used to that already. Try experiencing that your whole life... Thing is, even though you've gotten used to it, it still hurts because it makes you feel so worthless. After all the efforts you've shown, after doing everything they tell you, they're still not satisfied. Sure my eldest sister was once a part of the honors class and my elder sister graduated cum laude and grabbed 8th place in the board exams. But did they have to really shove it in my face? Sometimes, I want to just give up and let things pass because they wouldn't really appreciate my efforts anyway. But I want to show them that I'm better than that. That in spite of everything they're making me go through, I'm still a picture of magnificence. I stand up after I fall down. Yeah, who said it was easy? :\

I've always felt insecure about my cousins. One was a valedictorian, and one's a consistent dean's lister. My mom (yet again) always talked about how this valedictorian cousin of mine just spent the whole day studying. I know where she's getting at: that I should do the same. But, I don't think I'll be able to do that. EVER. I mean, I'd go insane. C'mon, she's already made me take up a course I don't like and now she's asking me to sacrifice my social life? Mehn, I'm trying to be the obedient daughter that I should be but I think that's too far. :\ I know I'm not the smartest person alive and I should really study in order to get high grades. But changing my study habits in that manner is just.... ACK.

I've always felt insecure about my classmates. Especially this ONE classmate who seems to have everything. Emphasis on the seems. I mean, she's pretty, smart, everyone likes her (and I mean LIKES her), you get what I mean. But still, I've always thought of it as unfair. She has her issues. We all do.

I even feel insecure about my figure, dammit. But that isn't really important, right?

I should really learn to overcome all over these. :\ I mean, no one can make me feel inferior without my permission. But I think I have inferiority complex... Rather, schizophrenia. :)) There was once a time when I couldn't sleep because "I was fighting with my own mind." I always found that definition of shiz as weird. Then came that night, I understood it fully.

I think I need to go on a retreat. I should find some inner peace. :(

Later days,

~coffeeandmusiclover~